


But She Isn't Me

by sundaymournin



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Childhood Friends, Eventual Smut, I suck at tagging, It gets a bit dark, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-08
Updated: 2018-01-09
Packaged: 2019-03-01 22:14:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13304427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sundaymournin/pseuds/sundaymournin
Summary: Even and Sonja were absolutely perfect together.They were both tall, thin, and stunningly beautiful. When they smiled, they brightened the entire room. The two of them were as different a could be, but they balanced each other out; Even was the dreamer, and Sonja was the realist. They’d been together since they were sixteen and everyone expected them to get married and live happily ever after. They shared absolutely everything; friends, meals, clothes and even a toothbrush from time to time.Well, almost everything.They didn’t share Isak.OR the best friend's au based on wanna be by betty who





	1. I Just Can't Compete

**Author's Note:**

  * For [kaylee my love](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=kaylee+my+love).



Even and Sonja were absolutely perfect together.

 

They were both tall, thin, and stunningly beautiful. When they smiled, they brightened the entire room. The two of them were as different a could be, but they balanced each other out; Even was the dreamer, and Sonja was the realist. They’d been together since they were sixteen and everyone expected them to get married and live happily ever after. They shared absolutely everything; friends, meals, clothes and even a toothbrush from time to time.

 

Well, almost everything.

 

They didn’t share Isak.

* * *

 

Isak was sitting on the couch in Even and Sonja’s brand new flat. All of their friends were buzzing, bringing gifts and telling jokes. Mikael was telling some story about when he walked in on Sonja going down on Even, Vilde was pointing out what she liked about the flat to Magnus. They were all so happy for the two of them. They both deserved a nice place, a nice life. They both deserved happiness. Isak agreed, of course, he just had a harder time showing it.

 

Across the room, Even’s arm looped around Sonja’s waist, holding her closer. He had a polite smile on his face, clearly humoring whatever co-worker or cousin he was talking to. After five years together, Isak had hoped they’d get out of the habit of touching all the time. It never happened, the honeymoon phase never ended, and Isak was left with a bitter taste in his mouth, as always.

 

It made him a shitty friend, he knew that, but he couldn’t help how he felt.

 

Eskild told him that all the time: _“Isak, our hearts choose for us sometimes. It’s hard but we get through it. You just need to find someone else and, you know, get it out of your system.”_

 

He’d tried that; it didn’t work.

 

Isak had gone home with plenty men. He’d slept with long-haired gingers and muscular men with dreads. He’d blown guys with accents and guys in bands. Isak had let older business men take him home, had slept with professors that weren’t his own. No matter who he went home with, no matter what sweet words they whispered into his ear, Isak would be right back to square one when Even smiled in his direction.

 

And, _fuck_ , what that smile did to him.

 

Isak had been in love with that smile since he was fourteen, since he realized how good smiles could feel. Even had been different, then. A little more open, a little less in-control. He’d met Sonja three months into Isak’s gay panic and, well. The window never opened for Isak to do anything about his feelings. Instead, he came out and Even high fived him. Sonja had smiled, told him she was proud of him. Eskild threw him a party. Jonas had nodded, like it was no big deal.

 

Whatever feelings Isak had for Even, he’d decided to ignore a long time ago, but it hadn’t actually worked. Isak would bail on boyfriends to hang out with Even, would ditch parties to watch pretentious films, would do absolutely anything to get to spend just a little extra time with the other man. It was exhausting.

 

“There you are.” Even plopped down next to him on the couch, arm sliding around his shoulders easily. “You’re supposed to be mingling.”

 

Isak blinked at him, letting his heart stutter for a moment. “Why? It’s your house party.” He took another swig of the beer he’d forgotten he was holding. Isak couldn’t remember what number he was on.

 

“Don’t sound so bitter.” Even laughed, squeezing his shoulder and pinching his heart.

 

“I’m not bitter.” Isak lied.

 

One night a couple weeks back, he’d gotten really drunk. He’d begged Even to move in with him, to find an apartment with him, to start their adult lives together. Even had looked so fucking sad when he told Isak he’d already agreed to move in with Sonja. Isak _was_ bitter. They had planned to move in together since they were 12, had planned it all out, but Sonja got everything he wanted. Yet again.

 

“She hates me.” Isak told him, glaring across the room at Sonja who was making small-talk with Sana, who looked bored out of her mind. Isak loved Sana.

 

“She doesn’t hate you.” Even argued, taking the beer from Isak’s hand and sipping it quickly.

 

Isak scoffed. “She comes to movie night now.”

 

Even hummed. “It’d be rude not to invite her. We live together.”

 

“Exactly.” Isak looked up at him, fully aware that he was pouting like a child. He’d gotten used to being the ‘other’ in the twos relationship a long time ago. “So shouldn’t you get sick of her sometimes?”

 

“ _Isak_.”

 

When he was drunk, Isak had a hard time keeping his thoughts and feelings to himself. Sober Isak knew when to shut his mouth, when to walk away, when to call Eskild to pick him up. Sober Isak knew where the line was, but Drunk Isak didn’t give a shit. Drunk Isak was in love and was sad and was constantly breaking.

 

Even had been his best friend since grade school; he could handle both pretty well.

 

“She’s my girlfriend, Isak.” Even told him gently, quietly. He reached out, brushing a stray curl behind Isak’s ear and breaking his heart all over again. All the time, really. The entire party felt like a ‘shit on Isak’ bash. “I’ll always make time for you.”

 

Isak huffed, leaning over and pressing his face in Even’s shoulder. He smelt good. He smelt like home and laughter and all of the things that made Isak feel safe. “Ten bucks says she steals you in a minute.” He whispered against Even’s neck.

 

Even chuckled, finishing the beer for both of them. Sonja didn’t let Even drink, so he drank Isak’s. One of the many reasons she hated him; Isak always let Even make his own decisions. She said that if he really cared, he’d take care of Even properly. Isak didn’t agree. “You’re so dramatic, Issy.”

 

“That’s not true.” He whined, curling more into Even’s side because even at their stupid housewarming party, Isak wanted to be close to him. Even was his soulmate, he had been sure of it since they met. Even was _everything_. Even hung the goddamn moon and stars. Even made Isak feel like he mattered, like he wasn’t alone. Even saved him and Isak? Isak saved him back.

 

But it was _Sonja_ who got the love story. Isak was just the best friend.

 

“Even, can you come help me in the kitchen?”

 

Right on cue.

 

Even hauled Isak to his feet, letting the younger boy stay plastered to his side as he shuffled into the kitchen. He lifted Isak up, setting him on the counter before moving to kiss Sonja’s cheek. “What’s going on?”

 

“He’s wasted, isn’t he?” Sonja asked disapprovingly.

 

Isak opened his eyes to look at her, because he wasn’t _that_ fucking drunk. He had hears, still.

 

“It’s a party.” Even chuckled, good natured. As always.

 

“And _you’re_ drinking.” Sonja pointed out.

 

Even shrugged, his shoulders tensing. “It’s a party, babe.”

 

Sonja rolled her eyes. “Parties don’t mean getting fucking wasted. We’re too old for this.”

 

“We’re twenty one.” Even laughed. It sounded like music.

 

“I don’t want my work friends to think I’m some child who gets wasted at every party I go to. I wanted this to be nice. We’re starting something here, Even. Do you understand that? This is the start of something and instead of being here with me, you’re going to spend the rest of the night taking care of him. I need your help.” Sonja was whisper-yelling, but Isak could hear every word. She didn’t care. She never did.

 

Even sighed heavily. “You’re being obsessive. And rude.”

 

Sonja snorted. “You’re really going to take his side? Again?”

 

“There aren’t fucking sides!” Even snapped. “Just stop treating him like shit and maybe he’ll actually want to be around you.”

 

Sonja shook her head. “I can’t deal with you right now.” She decided, turning on her heel and marching back into the crowded living room.

 

Even watched her go with another heaving sigh, shoulders sagging before he got another beer from the fridge. “All I want is one night where we don’t fight.” He told Isak, cracking open the can.

 

“So you _do_ get sick of her.” Isak smiled, unable to hide how disgustingly happy that made him feel. Even had defended him, stuck up for him, chose him in an argument with Sonja. He was fucking glowing. He was _so_ drunk.

 

“Don’t look so happy about it.” Even snorted. “She thinks you’re in love with me and it drives her crazy.” He explained, taking what looked like a painful gulp.

 

Isak swallowed. “You shouldn’t use that word.”

 

“You’re right.” Even sighed, leaning against the counter next to Isak. “Are you?”

 

“Right?”

 

“No.” Even looked at him, mouth curling up at the corner. “In love with me.”

 

Isak was drunk. It wasn’t fair for Even to ask him that question while he was drunk. Even if he wanted to, he couldn’t lie. He couldn’t even _begin_ to lie. He couldn’t even think of something to say. His mouth went dry, his heart started to race, his hands went clammy. Fucking Even.

 

“What?” He breathed out, trying to laugh.

 

Even was watching him, eyes intent. He was searching for the answer. “... Are you?”

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Don’t be stupid.”

 

“Fucking shit.” Even shook his head, pushing off the counter. “ _Really_?”

 

Isak froze. “No.”

 

Even inhaled, chest heaving with it. “Right. Sure. I think it’s time to call Eskild.”

 

“What? Why?” Isak asked weakly.

 

“Sonja’s going to lose her shit.” Even mumbled, not even looking at Isak. He was staring at the wall, the wheels turning in his head. He was going to tell Sonja. _Fuck._

 

Isak hopped off the counter, feeling a little bit like he was going to puke. A lot a bit. He needed to get out of the house, out of the fucking love nest, away from Even and his intense gaze. Away from Sonja, who was probably going to laugh about it when the two went to bed that night. He didn’t want this to happen.

 

“Where are you going?” Even asked, voice laced with concern because even when he was upset, he was the best person in the world. He was the only person who made Isak feel completely and totally loved. He was the only person who made him feel safe. Even was everything to Isak and Isak was going to lose it, all because he decided to get too wasted at a party.

 

Isak made it out of the front door and halfway down the stairs before Even caught up with him and pressed him against the wall with two hands on his shoulders. It burned.

 

“ _Isak._ ” Even was whispering, hands sliding from his shoulders to cup his face. “Isak, calm down. Breathe. You need your shoes and your jacket.” His voice sounded too calming. Isak wanted to believe him.

 

“You’re not supposed to know.” Isak told him, eyes still squeezed shut. He was going to cry. It was supposed to be Even’s housewarming party and Isak was making it entirely about him.

 

Even exhaled. “... Issy.”

 

“Can we please forget about this?” Isak begged, shaking his head. “Please, Even. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to...” He felt pathetic, drunkenly begging Even to keep a secret from his girlfriend. “ _Please_.”

 

“Breathe.” Even repeated, running a thumb over his cheekbone.

 

“Please.” Isak choked out.

 

Even pulled Isak into his arms, pressing a kiss to his hair. He’d done it a thousand times before, but it felt different. It felt like the entire world had shifted on its axis and Isak didn’t know what to do with himself. “You’re my best friend.” Even whispered into his ear. “I’m not going anywhere. Just breathe. It’s fine. Everything’s fine.”

 

Isak shook his head, hands fisting in Even’s shirt. “Don’t tell her, Even, please.”

 

Even tensed a little at that, but kept rubbing a hand up and down Isak’s back. He kept whispering kind things, kept trying to ward off Isak’s panic attack because he was sweet and caring and perfect. Too perfect for someone like Isak. Even liked Sonja because of her perfect skin and smile and how put together she was. Even liked Sonja because she took care of him and he took care of her. Even loved Sonja.

 

Sonja and Even were perfect together and Isak was _other_. Extra.

 

That’s how it was.

 

When Isak finally calmed down, slumped against the wall, and let Even put his jacket on him, he couldn’t look the man in the eye. Even texted Eskild for him, helped him with his shoes and still, Isak couldn’t look at him. He couldn’t face it. Their entire life they’d been friends and in a stupid, drunken instant he’d let them get fucked up.

 

“... I don’t want you to feel it back.” Isak admitted quietly when they made it outside to wait. He was smoking a cigarette Even had given him to help him sober up. It tasted bitter and disgusting and harsh but Isak deserved it. He deserved smoke filling his lungs. He was a fucking idiot.

 

“What?”

 

Isak swallowed, glaring at his shoes. “I know you don’t. I don’t… I don’t expect shit from you, okay?”

 

Even was watching him, taking a step closer. Isak stepped back. “Isak.”

 

“I really don’t.” Isak went on, inhaling from the cigarette hard so it burned his throat. “You two are perfect together. You’re beautiful and she’s beautiful and you get along well and she saves you back and, you know, you’re straight so —“

 

“I’m not straight.”

 

“What?” Isak blinked, finally meeting Even’s gaze. Even, who looked close to tears and who looked like his life had been turned upside down. Even, who was holding his cigarette and letting it burn so the ash was taking up most of it. Even, who looked so lost in thought he was tying his brain into knots. _Even._ “You’re dating a girl.”

 

“But I’m pansexual.”

 

Isak huffed out a bitter laugh. “Oh. Of course.”

 

“What does that mean?”

 

“Nothing.” Isak mumbled, taking another painful hit.

 

“Stop smoking that so hard.” Even ordered gently.

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

 

“Is this how it’s going to be?” Even asked, voice tight. “Weird?”

 

“Can’t we forget about it?” Isak begged, staring up at the stars.

 

Even dropped the cigarette. “You won’t even look at me.”

 

Isak flinched, wiping a hand over his face. “I’m too fucking drunk for this. You knew I was too fucking drunk for this and you asked anyway and — That wasn’t fair.”

 

“You would’ve lied otherwise.”

 

“So, what? You planned this, then?” Isak snapped. “You and Sonja?”

 

Even scoffed. “Of course not! No one made you drink that much!”

 

“Then why did you ask me?” Isak asked miserably. “It wasn’t fair.”

 

“Maybe I wanted to know why my best friend was so against me being happy.” Even told him, voice quiet but it felt like a slap. “It’s been five years and you’ve never been happy for us. Not once. Every time we broke up, you tried to keep it that way. Because of something as stupid as a crush?”

 

Isak turned his back to Even, hugging himself. He knew he was a bad person for rooting against the two of them, he knew everyone else loved Sonja and Even together. He knew that he was just the kid who came crying on Even’s doorstep when his life got too fucked, the kid that begged for attention and who got too drunk just so Even would hold him. Isak knew it was fucked, but he did it anyway.

 

Because he loved Even and he couldn’t stand seeing him with Sonja.

 

Sonja was sweet. She took care of Even, she held his hand through the diagnoses, she’d taken care of him and made sure he stayed balanced. She’d loved him through every episode, through every breakup. Sonja was kind, but Isak thought he was more than that.

 

Isak had been there for everything, too. And more. Isak had held Even’s hand and played with his hair and shared a bed. He’d taken him to parties and helped him relax. Isak had laughed with him and watched movies every Thursday night. He let Even drag him to whatever showing he wanted. They saw their first concert together, they’d snuck out of their houses to hang out at parks when they were thirteen, they’d smoked their first cigarette together.

 

Isak had convinced himself that it made them special. Made _him_ special.

 

“Even?” Mikael was standing at the entrance of the building, glancing between them. “Uh, Sonja’s looking for you, man.”

 

“I’m just waiting for Isak’s ride with him.” Even told him. “I’ll be up in a minute.”

 

“Uh, okay.” Mikael nodded, glancing between them again before disappearing.

 

Isak wiped his eyes, took one last painful hit off the cigarette before heading in the direction of Kollektivet. He wasn’t feeling nearly as drunk as before. In fact, Isak was feeling painfully sober.

 

“Where the fuck are you going now?” Even groaned, following.

 

“Home.”

 

“Eskild’s coming to pick you up.” Even told him, catching up quickly because of his stupid, long legs. “Just stay here.”

 

Isak shook his head, pulling his hoodie up. “I can get home on my own.”

 

Even grabbed his elbow and stopped him. “I hate fighting with you.”

 

“We’re not fighting.” Isak lied, pulling his arm free to walk away again. “We’re not anything.”

 

“What?”

 

“You’re right.” Isak shrugged. “I ruined everything because I have a stupid crush on you, so. I’ll stop making your life so hard.”

 

Even grabbed him again, rougher this time. “Stop that. You know that’s not what I meant.”

 

“Yes, it is.” Isak whispered, leaning against the brick wall behind him and staring up at Even with sad eyes. “You think I tried to ruin your happiness. If you think I’d do that, we can’t be friends.”

 

Even exhaled shakily. “I love you, Isak. You’re my best friend.”

 

“Don’t say that.” Isak flinched. “We’re not. You don’t.”

 

“Why are being like this? This is nothing. We can get over this. Forget about it and be back to normal tomorrow. When you’re sober.” Even tried, looking so desperate. “Isak, let’s just forget about it.”

 

Isak shook his head. “No, you’re right. I’m… I tried to ruin shit for you two. I’m not a good friend. I’m just some dumbass with a crush on you.” He laughed, the lump in his throat rising. “I’m so fucking stupid.”

 

“You’re not a dumbass.” Even whispered, cupping his face. “You’re my best friend. We just need to calm down, okay?”

 

“I can’t do this.” Isak shook his head.

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because you fucking know now.” Isak explained, shoving his hands away. “You know how fucking stupid and lonely and pathetic and…” He tore at his hair. “She’ll never let you see me ever again after this anyway. I can’t fucking watch you two…”

 

Even was about to cry. “So I lose you because of this? What do I do?”

 

“Mikael’s a good friend.” Isak shrugged.

 

“But he’s not you.” Even whispered.

 

Isak shook his head. “I’m not important.”

 

“That’s bullshit.” Even snapped. “You can’t do this with me. This giving up, feeling sorry for yourself thing? It doesn’t work on me. I know you. You’re my best friend, you’re the most important person in the world to me and… Fuck, Isak, I can’t do any of this without you.”

 

“Stop making me feel special.” Isak whispered painfully.

 

They stared at one another for a long minute, both close to tears until Eskild showed up. He wrapped an arm around Isaks shoulders, glancing worriedly between them. Later, he’d ask what had happened, Isak would spill it all to him and Eskild would make him tea. Tea and soup and cocoa. Eskild promised him they’d get over it. Even swore he’d text the next day.

 

He didn’t.

* * *

 

Everything hurt. From the moment Isak woke up in the morning to the second his head hit his pillow, his heart ached painfully in his chest. They'd been friends since they were kids and one night ruined all of it. One stupid, drunken, ridiculous night. On Facebook, Sonja posted pictures of the two of them together. They were both smiling, eating out at restaurants and cuddling on the couch. They looked happy, like they were really starting a new chapter of their lives. Like they were moving on into adulthood. Like they only needed each other. Isak tried not to think about it, but the more he tried, the more he did. The less he slept. The less he felt like eating. The less he felt like getting up to go to class. He tried to convince himself that it was Sonja who was forcing Even to ignore Isak, but he knew better. If Even wanted to talk to him, he would. 

 

He didn't.

* * *

 

 

“What are you doing here?” Mahdi asked that Thursday when Isak showed up at his and Magnus’ place to play video games.

 

“Was I not invited?” Isak asked, eyebrows raising.

 

Mahdi rolled his eyes. “It’s Thursday.”

 

“So?”

 

“So you spent Thursdays with Even.” Mahdi pointed out.

 

Isak shrugged staring intently at the screen. “Not anymore.”

 

Magnus, Mahdi, and Jonas glanced between one another but let it drop. After that, every single Thursday was game and pizza night. Isak knew they were only doing it to make him feel better, but he was grateful for it anyway.

* * *

  


After two weeks of radio silence, Isak blocked Even on everything.


	2. Stuck With Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't rate this at first bc i didn't think about it but this chapter is definitely mature so like... yeah. also the spacing is fucked up here and i should fix it like an adult but its a lot... so forgive me pls

There was only one thing that made Isak feel better when he couldn’t sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't function. One thing that made him feel comforted, safe, normal. One thing that made him feel like maybe the world wasn’t crumbling around him. He wasn’t allowed that (It was Even, Even was the thing) for the moment, though, so Isak went for the next best thing.  
  
Kebabs.  
  
It wasn’t a perfect comfort food. Mostly it just reminded him of Jonas. And Even, of course. Anytime he had a problem, one or the other would drag him to the nearest kebab place and work it out with him. When Isak had run away from home, when he’d come out to Jonas, when he and Eskild had almost drunkenly hooked up, after Even had nearly ended his life. Kebabs fixed most problems, or at the very least made them easier to deal with.  
  
Or Isak thought they had. Sitting alone on a bench, poking at the food, he started to realize maybe it was the company that had made it all so much more bearable.   
  
An entire month had gone by without a word from Even. Of course, Isak had blocked him on most everything. Him and Sonja, but he’d left both of their numbers unblocked. If Even wanted to speak to him, he could. He knew where Isak lived. He didn’t even try. Not once. It was the longest they'd ever gone without speaking since they'd met, and that included when Isak had been grounded for two months when his mom found porn on his phone. They hadn't been going to the same school at the time, but Even met him and walked Isak home from school every day. Evidently he didn't do things like that anymore.  
  
Isak had been ditching classes — something he'd never done since getting into university. He’d convinced Sana send him the work, had Mahdi take notes, had asked Vilde to keep him in the loop. It was probably cowardly, not to go back to school and facing it all, but he couldn’t. He did his work outside of class, used his anxiety as an excuse with the professors, and was getting by alright. Not as well as he would’ve if he showed up, but enough.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Sonja was standing in front of him, looking him over slowly. She was holding a book and a coffee, looking like she had been on break or something. Her skin wasn't as glowy as it usually was, there were bags under her eyes. Usually she only got that way when Even was manic and she was trying to keep up with him. Isak’s heart clenched at the thought.  
  
“Kebab.” Isak shrugged, not knowing what else to say.   
  
The two had always disliked one another. Their relationships with Even were entirely different, so was the way they approached the illness. Isak was more lenient, Sonja more strict. Sometimes, often, they would work together if things got bad. They’d share a bed with him, letting Even rest between them. Or they’d go to a movie with him, take walks with him. When it got to be too much for Sonja, because she was only human, Isak was always there to give her a break.

 

But they still didn’t like each other. Isak thought she was annoying and Sonja, well, she’d always known how he’d felt. She'd never really been okay with Isak and Even being alone together, notfully. Sonja had known Isak was in love with Even since she met him when he was fourteen. Isak, in turn, had always known she wanted him out of the picture. She didn’t entirely trust him.  
  
“... I’m sorry.” Sonja sighed.  
  
Isak blinked. “What?”  
  
“That Even is being a child.” Sonja clarified. “It’s not fair to you. He’s always known, I think. He’s just pretending to be blindsided because he doesn’t want to face the truth.”  
  
Isak swallowed the lump in his throat, brain short circuiting as she spoke. Maybe it was the lack of sleep that was making her words muddle together in his head, or maybe it was just that nothing she said made any sense. “Truth?”  
  
Sonja hummed, nodding sadly. “Yeah. The truth.” She looked at him, thoughtful, for a moment before shrugging. “Well, enjoy your kebab, Isak.”

 

“Wait.” 

 

She did.

 

Isak swallowed. “Is he doing okay? You look… tired.” 

 

Sonja smiled, bitter. “He’ll be fine. Don’t let him get you down.”

  
Then she was gone.   
  
Don’t let him get Isak down? Did she really think it was that easy? She got to have Even in her life every damn day. She got to wake up to his face and run her fingers through his hair and kiss his pretty, chapped lips. She got to scold him about drinking too much, smoking too much. Sonja got to do everything with Even. She didn’t get to tell Isak to not let it get him down. She just didn’t get what it was like.   
  
Living in a world without Even Bech Naesheim was hell.   


* * *

Linn said fucking the heartbreak out of him would help.  
  
Isak was at some party Magnus and Vilde had dragged them to, was pressed up against a wall by some pretty boy, and still his heart ached. It hurt, kissing someone else, letting someone else touch him. It felt a little bit like cheating? Not even on Even but on Isak’s own heart. He didn’t _want_ a random hookup at a party; he wanted a love story that had been building up for ten years. He wanted his best friend to fall in love with him, to get butterflies when he saw Isak. He wanted, at the very least, a text. A call. A sign that they would get through it all.  
  
But, no.  
  
Isak pulled away from the kiss, hitting his head hard on the wall behind him as the man trailed kisses down his neck. His name was Nils or something; he had nice hair and smelt faintly of weed. His lips felt nice against Isak’s neck, but it didn’t mean anything. It didn't make him _feel_ anything. They were just lips, desperate against his skin and as much as he wanted to let the feeling of it take him away, it didn’t. He was hardly turned on.  
  
Not until Isak’s eyes locked with familiar blue ones across the room.  
  
Even was leaning against a window sill across the room, a blunt pressed against his lips. The window next to him was open and he was blowing the smoke out of it, sometimes. It didn’t look like he cared much about where the smoke went. He was wearing a blue, flannel shirt that Isak was almost positive belonged to him and he was _staring_. His eyes dark, raking down Isak’s body before lifting back up to his face and flicking his eyebrows up.  
Even had never looked at him like that in his life.  
  
Maybe it was because someone's lips were already against skin, but Isak’s cock jumped in his jeans, encouraging Nils to press even closer and suck a dark mark into his collarbone. If he could use his brain properly, Isak would ask him to stop, but instead he fisted a hand in his hair and let out a needy noise. Even was watching him, was smoking calmly and just watching while Isak got off with some other guy.  
  
It almost hurt, how little Even seemed to care. It would later, absolutely, but for the moment Isak was panting at the attention. There was a shiver trailing down his spine, a warmth building in the pit of his stomach, a want there that felt unfamiliar. 

 

Isak had always wanted Even, but it had never been so sexual. It was mostly emotional. He wanted Even to hold his hand, cuddling him in bed, press goodbye kisses to his lips. He wanted to be loved by Even, but Isak was starting to realize he wouldn’t mind getting fucked by him either. 

 

 _Jesus_.  
  
Nils pushed a leg between Isak’s thighs, hands on his hips to grind him down into it. Even's mouth twitched into a frown and Isak let out a small, embarrassing noise. He didn't know it was a thing of his, being watched. Watched by Even.  
  
“Like that?” Nils whispered in Isak’s ear, grabbing a handful of his ass.  
  
Even sucked on the inside of his cheek across the room, gaze locked on Isak’s. He didn’t look happy, but there was an obvious tent growing in his pants. Isak let out a whine, eyes fluttering shut. He was bright red, embarrassed from being watched and from enjoying it so fucking much. Was he really so starved for Even’s attention? Even, who couldn’t even text him but would stare at him at a party. Even, who couldn’t even let Isak try to move in peace?  
  
That worked just like cold water.   
  
“Get off.” Isak gasped suddenly.  
  
Nils pulled back immediately, hand on the wall by Isak’s head. “You okay?”  
  
Isak shook his head. “I can’t do this.”  
  
“That’s okay.” Nils nodded, looking a little breathless. “Do you want some water?”  
  
Isak nodded, covering his face with his hands when the stranger walked away. If he was a normal boy, who wasn’t in love with his best friend, Isak’s heart might’ve clenched at how kind Nils was. But he wasn’t. He was helplessly in love with the man across the room, the one whose lips were always chapped and who had a scar on the right side of his face. The one who knew where all of Isak's tickle spots were and exactly what to do when he was so sad he couldn't breathe. The one who hadn't even bothered calling.  
  
He went out front, sitting on the curb and burying his head in his hands. Even didn’t even care enough to stop him, hadn’t even flinched at the thought of Isak being touched by someone else. Whatever Isak felt for him, it wasn’t returned and he’d _known_ that, but witnessing it in real time? It killed him.  
  
“It’s cold out here.” Even said, somewhere behind him.  
  
“Leave me alone.” Isak groaned. He didn't mean it. All he fucking wanted was Even’s attention.   
  
“You need your jacket, you’re going to get a cold.” Even continued, draping it over Isak’s shoulders before plopping down next to him on the curb. He had fucking seen Isak’s jacket on the rack and had grabbed it for him. It was stupid how sweet Isak found that. “Want a hit?” Even asked, offering the blunt to Isak.  
  
Isak took it. “You’re an asshole.”  
  
“I know.”  
  
“You said you’d text me and you didn’t.” Isak told him, taking a big hit. Too big. It burned.  
  
“I know.”  
  
Isak took another painful hit. “I came here to get over this shit and… You’re really not happy unless you’re the center of attention, are you?” He asked, knowing it was too harsh. Too mean. But Isak had a raging boner, a broken heart, and he was feeling a little mean.  
  
“That’s what Sonja said.” Even hummed, taking the blunt from Isak before he could inhale again.  
  
“ _Sonja_.” Isak echoed, bitterly. “Where is she?”  
  
Even shrugged. “We broke up.”  
  
Isak looked up at him. “What? Why?”  
  
“Why do you think?” Even snorted.  
  
Isak shook his head slowly. “I dunno…”  
  
Even met his gaze, pupils blown wide and smile lazy. He looked stupidly handsome, but sad. So fucking sad. And high. Isak wanted to hug him, make it better, but he wasn't even sure if that was allowed anymore. “I stayed in bed for two weeks.”  
  
“So?” Isak shook his head, head spinning. Even had been manic and crashed without him around? Had that ever happened? “She knows your body needs to rest sometimes, that doesn’t mean you need to break up.”  
  
“Isak, I couldn’t get out of bed knowing you wouldn’t be in my life.” Even told him, staring up at the sky instead of at him. “I couldn’t fucking function without you. How do you think that made her feel?”  
  
“Bad?”  
  
Even nodded, finishing the blunt. “So she dumped me.”  
  
“I really did ruin everything…” Isak realized, pressing the heels of his palms to his eyelids. “Fuck.”  
  
“You didn’t ruin anything, Isak.” Even sighed, squeezing the back of Isak’s neck. The touch sent a wave of heat to Isak's belly; he blamed the boner. “It wasn’t going to work. Period.”  
  
Isak wanted to believe him, felt his heart swelling with naive hope. He wanted to believe that the breakup meant something for the two of them, but Isak knew he’d settle for it just meaning they could be friends again. He’d take that over nothing.  
  
“I’m sorry.” He whispered, leaning his head on Even’s shoulder. “I missed you.”  
  
Even leaned his cheek on the top of Isak’s head. “I missed you too…” He sighed. “Can we go back to yours? I’ve been staying with Mikael, but. Yeah.”  
  
Isak smiled, feeling an overwhelming amount of relief fill his chest. “Friends?”  
  
“Best friends.” Even breathed.   
  


* * *

 

  
“You’re going to sleep on the couch?” Even asked when they were back at the flat, watching while Isak put down the pillow and blanket in the living room.   
  
Isak shrugged. “I guess?”   
  
“That’s stupid.”   
  
“What?” Isak blinked.   
  
“We’ve been sharing a bed since we were kids.” Even pointed out. “I don’t get why every little thing about our lives has to change because of this.”

  
Isak inhaled deeply, lips pursing. “It didn’t have to. If you would’ve actually called me, you would’ve figured that out.” He grumbled, throwing himself into the couch tiredly. “Just go to bed.”   
  
“You blocked me.”   
  
“You ignored me!”   
  
“I had some shit to sort out.” Even snorted. “It’s not like you called either!”   
  
“The ball wasn’t exactly in my court, was it?” Isak threw his arm over his eyes, wishing he could just go back a month and never show up to the party. Maybe he’d go out with Eskild, or stay home to watch something with Linn. Anything to avoid all the drama.   
  
"Just come to bed. You barely sleep on an actual mattress." Even ordered, walking over to him and picking up the blanket. He pulled the pillow out from under Isak's head. "Come on."    
  


Isak rolled his eyes but followed him anyway.   


* * *

"I'm not good for you." Even whispered into the dark.    
  
They'd been lying on opposite ends of the bed silently for what felt like hours, backs facing one another. Isak knew he wasn't going to be able to sleep with Even in his bed; he was too aware of his body. What if he rolled over, cuddled into Even's side, and made it weird? What if he got a boner in his sleep? What if he sleep talked or had a nightmare? All of the things that had once been nothing between the two of them suddenly felt like the worst possible thing that could happen. He wanted to keep Even in his life and for some reason, Isak felt like that was an impossible task.    
  
"What does that even mean?" Isak asked, voice cracking.    
  
Even was the best thing in Isak's life. There was no one who loved, understood, and supported him like Even. There was no one who knew as much as him, who had seen as much as he had. It wasn't that their lives weren't separate, they were. Isak loved science and math, things that made sense and had purpose while Even loved art. They had different theories on the way the universe worked, had different ideas of what a relationship should be. They even had different sets of friends. Sure, everyone got along but Jonas was decidedly Isak's and Mikael was definitely Even's. They were different people, but Isak didn't want a life without him.    
  
The night Isak had run away from home, had gotten drunk out of his mind and ended up at Eskild's, Even had tried to end his life. Isak's mom said he couldn't go to the hospital because they’d probe him or something, and he didn't know which hospital to check, so Isak tried drowning his fears in bottles of alcohol. The minute Even was out of the hospital and found out Isak was 'missing', he'd tracked his phone. They always had each other’s location shared. Used to, at least. Even had threatened Eskild when he'd answered the door. Even after something so traumatic and scary, his first concern was Isak and Isak's first concern was always Even. They gave things up for each other, they held each other's hands.

 

Maybe they were a bit co-dependant but they were sure as hell not bad for each other.

  
"I'm not good enough for you, Isak." Even sighed. "Being in a relationship with me is impossible. I'm... I need someone to take care of me and to keep me on track. You don't need to be a caretaker again, you need to live your own life and go to university and... Being with me would suck."    
  
_ Oh _ .    
  
"You're honestly making this about my mom?"   
  
"I don't think I'd be able to handle you leaving me." Even admitted, his voice barely there.    
  
Isak stared at the black ceiling, tears burning his eyes. "You think I'd leave you like I left my mom? You think I'd do that to you? After all of this... I've been here for all of your shit, Even, all of it. My mom has nothing to do with this. She was abusive and was my  _ parent _ , you're...  _ God _ . I can't believe you just said that to me. As if I haven't been there for the worst fucking episodes anyway. What the fuck."    
  
"It's different when you're dating someone."    
  
"But we're  _ not _ dating." Isak snapped. "You made it really fucking clear, okay? You don't feel the same way about me and that's fine but don't sit here and fucking insult me. If I were to meet some other bipolar guy tomorrow, do you think I'd ditch him too? How can you think that?"    
  
Even swallowed. "I didn't mean it like that."    
  
"How else could you have meant that?" Isak asked.    
  
"I don't want to to hurt you. Sometimes, with Sonja, when I'm manic I get really mean and... I yell sometimes and I don't want to do that to you. Or her." Even added, quickly. "I don't want to do that to anyone and I just... Isak, if we got together I'd be just like your mom and I would fucking ki-"   
  
"Don't you dare say that." Isak interrupted, rolling over and burying his face in Even's shoulder blades. "You know it would still be me, right?" He asked shakily, tearfully. "You might've yelled at Sonja and got mad at her but you've never, ever done that to me manic. It would still be us, even if we started dating. It would just be us."    
  
Isak didn’t understand why they were discussing this, why Even was putting him through this. Was he just trying to convince Isak to give up on his feelings or did he really, genuinely, think he’d suddenly be a new person if they got together?

 

Even was tense, shoulders shaking as if he was crying too. "I can't do that to you."   
  
"You're obsessing." Isak whispered into the back of his neck. "You've never hurt me. Not like that." Even didn't respond so Isak wrapped his arms around his waist and hugging the older man to his chest. "Can we talk about it tomorrow?"    
  
"When we're sober?" Even asked, a hint of humor in his trembling voice.    
  
"When we're sober."    
  


* * *

 

 

Isak woke up with Even's arm slung around his waist, his face buried in his curls, chest to Isak's back. They woke up with legs intertwined and fingers brushing along skin. It wasn't the first time they'd woken up in that position, but Isak found his heart racing even more than usual. Even had talked about them dating the night before, albeit in a fucked up way. One that revealed how little faith Even had in the both of them, but he'd talked about it. Did that mean what Isak was hoping so desperately it meant?

 

Behind him, Even let out a sigh and shifted closer. “Do we have to talk about it now?” He whispered into Isak’s hair. 

 

How long had he been awake?

 

“When else are we going to talk about it?” Isak whispered back, finding the bravery to interlace their fingers and hold their hands to his chest. 

 

“Okay.” Even mumbled, his voice shaking.

 

Isak sighed, pressing his back into the other man’s chest and revelling in the comfort it brought. “Were you manic?” 

 

“Last night?” 

 

“No, before. This month.” Isak mumbled. 

 

Even shook his head. “No.” 

 

“Did you crash at all?

 

“No.”

 

“Oh.” 

 

So Even staying in bed for two weeks was just because he missed Isak. The bags under Sonja’s eyes were probably from crying over the break up. Isak felt a pang of guilt; why did everything always have to lead back to the bipolar? He fucking knew better than that. 

 

“What else?” Even breathed, sounding nervous. 

 

Isak cleared his throat. “Uh… You think I’d leave you? If we got together.”

 

“Probably.” 

 

“Why?” 

 

Even sighed heavily, pressing his forehead against the back of Isak’s neck. “Because I’d hurt you and then… You’d hate me. Like Sonja.” 

 

“Sonja doesn’t hate you.” Isak argued. 

 

“You don’t know that.” 

 

Isak huffed, finally rolling over to face Even. “Yes, I do. She would never hate you. Sonja doesn’t hate people.” 

 

Even raised his eyebrows. “You said she hated you.” 

 

“She didn’t, though.” Isak sputtered. “She just didn’t like me because I… You know.” 

 

Even nodded. “I know.”  

 

Isak looked down, playing with the fabric of Even’s shirt nervously. “Why are we talking about this?” He asked shakily. 

 

“What do you mean?” 

 

“I mean,” Isak swallowed nervously. “I… Feel that way about you, but you… I mean. Do you?” He asked, glancing up at Even shyly. 

 

Even was staring down at him with a disbelieving expression on his face. “... Of course I do.” He whispered softly. “But it’s not that simple. I can’t fuck this up between us. It would kill me.” 

 

“Why would you fuck it up?” Isak asked, his heart racing. Even loved him. Neither one of them had said it but it was out there, between them. They were in love with one another. Isak could have what he always wanted, but Even was standing in the way of that. 

 

“I told you. I’m shit to be with in a relationship.” Even explained. “And you’ve already dealt with so much bullshit. You escaped your mother and —“ 

 

Isak cupped his face, pressing closer. “Stop that. Stop it. My mom wasn’t taking care of herself, she wasn’t taking care of me. She didn’t buy food and she never tried to fix her shit, even when she was lucid. She never thought about me or put me first and — It wasn't all her fault, okay, I know that. But I was a kid, Even.” He searched Even’s gaze desperately. 

 

“You’ve always put me first.” Isak went out, pushing Even’s hair from his eyes. “You… You take care of me and make sure I don’t get too cold and make sure I get home safe and.” He took a breath. “When you’re manic or you crash or sad, I take care of you, right? I don’t know how you and Sonja were, but… That was you and her. This would be  _ us _ . You get that there’s a difference, don’t you?”

 

“But what if…” Even swallowed. 

 

Isak shook his head. “If you… If you feel that way about me and I feel that way about you, why shouldn’t we be together?” 

 

“Because we could lose it.” 

 

“But losing it would be better than just ignoring it and being fucking miserable.” Isak whispered, thumbs running along his cheekbones. “I can’t believe I’m scolding you on romance.” 

 

Even broke into a smile. “... You just matter to me.’ 

 

“You matter to me too.” Isak promised, pressing their foreheads together. “Can we please just… Try?” 

 

“Trial run?” Even asked, hands finally finding Isak’s waist. 

 

Isak nodded, bumping their noses with a relieved laugh. He felt like he was flying, like he was still high. His stomach was filled with butterflies and his heart was pounding in his chest. “How does that work?” 

 

“We go out and we’ll be boyfriends for a day.” Even smiled and looked like Isak’s wildest dreams doing it. “See if we like it.” 

 

“That’s such a waste of time!” 

 

Even laughed. “Why?” 

 

“I mean, I already know what my answer is.” Isak explained, letting Even shift him onto his back to the older man could rest his head on Isak’s chest. “God, I missed you.” He sighed, burying his hands in Even’s hair. 

 

Even hummed. “New plan, then.” Isak raised his eyebrows. “We stay in bed and be boyfriends for a day and see if we like it.” 

 

Isak felt a flush color his cheeks. “That sounds… Good.” 

 

* * *

 

And fuck, was it good. 

 

It was good when Even pressed him into the mattress, kissed him like they really weren’t going to be able to tomorrow. He kissed Isak like he meant it; fucked his mouth with his tongue and sucked a deeper mark over the one Nils had made the night before. Even trailed wet, open mouthed kisses over his stomach and hip bone.

 

After being teased with Even’s mouth for a good twenty minutes, Isak rolled them over and gave it all back. The kissing and licking and biting. He marked down Even’s throat and kissed the insides of Even’s thighs. There was something addictive about the noises his best friend made, something mind numbingly attractive about how he threw his head back and gasped Isak’s name. Like he couldn’t believe they were doing it, like he never wanted to stop. 

 

Even took his sweet time open Isak up, had fumbled around a little and stuttered about how he’d never actually done anything with a guy before. He kissed Isak’s neck and listened intently as the younger boy talked him through it, then moaned through it, then begged. Even was attentive, gentle, and so fucking sweet in made Isak feel like he was going to break. 

 

He did, a little, when Even finally pressed into him and they both were left panting and gasping for breath. It was like an out of body experience; Isak had never thought he’d get what he want but he was getting it and it was better than he’d imagined. Even fucked him slowly, asked him if he was okay the entire time. 

 

They did it with Isak on his front because he thought it’d be easier, but Even kept complaining about not being able to look at him. Despite it being Even’s first time with a guy, it was perfect. Isak was left practically screaming his name when he came. 

 

“You’re so good, Even.” Isak whispered, reaching back to fist his hand in his hair. “God, you feel amazing. You’re so fucking… Please, baby.” He babbled, eyes rolling when Even finally finished and collapsed on top of him. 

 

“Oh my god.” Even mumbled against Isak’s shoulder. “Fuck.” 

 

Isak whined. “Get out of me. I want to kiss you.” 

 

They kissed and rolled around in the bed, cleaning up just so they could go down on each other or so Isak could rim Even. They were maybe on their fourth or fifth round when Linn finally banged on the door. 

 

“Isak!” She called. “Please stop now! I have to sleep.” 

 

Even barked out a laugh and Isak swatted him. “Okay! Sorry, Linn!” He called.

 

“Sorry!” Even echoed. 

 

“Oh. Uh.” Linn’s was muffled on the other side of the door. “It’s okay. Sorry Isak… Even.” 

 

“What?!” Came Eskild’s screech from the other side of the flat. 

 

* * *

 

“You know I’ll kill you if you hurt him?” Eskild asked Even later. 

 

He’d sat them both down on the couch in the living room, looming over them like a father might. It was fitting, Isak thought, because his actual father never would. 

 

Even nodded. “I would too.” 

 

Isak slapped his arm. Hard. “Stop saying that.”

 

“I didn’t mean it like that.” Even whispered, rubbing his arm. 

 

“Good.” Isak smiled, running his own hand over the part of Even’s arm he’d hit. “Because I’d kill you if you did.” 

 

Even grinned back. “Oh, you would?” 

 

“Mhm.” 

 

Eskild interrupted their moment with a groan, making them look up. “Oh, fuck you’re even cuter than I thought you’d be. Linn, I need a boyfriend. This is just depressing.” He shook his head. 

 

“There’s always Elias.” Linn pointed out. 

 

“Elias is gay?” Eskild asked Even, eyes wide.

 

Even shrugged. “Definitely not straight.”

  
  


It turned out, no one was upset about the two of them getting together. Mikael had just nodded, asked if Sonja was okay before telling Even he was proud of him. Jonas and Mahdi had been relieved, letting out a “Finally!” in unison. Sana and Elias had threatened both of them simultaneously, warning each not to hurt the other. It was sweet, and frightening, to be on the end of the Bakkoush siblings. Magnus and Vilde had both screamed with joy, immediately trying to plan a double date. 

 

Every single person was happy for them. 

  
  


“Even, you can’t just buy expensive ass cheese. This cheese tastes just as good.” Isak pointed out one day in the grocery store, pulling at the man’s sleeve. “We have a budget for a reason.” 

 

“Just because we have a budget doesn’t mean we should deprive ourselves of nice things.” Even pointed out. “We need nice cheese for a housewarming.” 

 

Isak rolled his eyes. “Aren’t they supposed to be bringing us nice things?” 

 

“Yes, but we’re supposed to properly feed them.” Even told him, kissing his temple with a fond grin. “We’re getting expensive cheese.” 

 

“Can you just get it then, so the rest of us can get what we need?” A voice behind them asked. 

 

Sonja was standing there with a basket in one hand and the other on her hip. Her hair was longer, shoulder length and still a pretty blonde. Her skin still glowed, her smile still lit up the room. She was looking between them, gaze fond. Not angry, not upset, just fond and happy. 

 

Isak’s heart clenched. “Sonja.” 

 

“Hi, Isak.” Her grinned widened. “You two are throwing a housewarming?” 

 

Even threw an arm around Isak’s shoulder. “Yep. Wanna come?” 

 

Sonja rolled her eyes. “I think I’ll pass.” 

 

“You’re loss.” Even smiled and she smiled back. 

 

Isak glanced between the two, eyebrows raising before he elbowed Even in the stomach. “Don’t be a dick.” He scolded softly, taking the cheese from his boyfriend’s hands and turning back to Sonja. “Do we need fancy cheese?” 

 

Sonja hummed. “It can’t hurt. Besides, that’s Even’s mom’s favorite.” She explained, shooing them out of her way to grab her own. “You two have fun tonight.” 

 

Even nodded. “You too.” 

 

“See ya, Sonja.” Isak smiled, letting Even pull him in so they were leaning against one another. She walked away to get the rest of her groceries and Isak turned around in Even’s arms. “She seems happy.”                     

 

Even nodded. “She is. Has a girlfriend and everything.” 

 

Isak smiled, relaxing. He was glad she was happy. He wanted her to be happy. “That’s good… Why didn’t you tell me your mom’s coming tonight?” 

 

“It was a surprise!” Even shrugged. “She didn’t want it to stress you out. She knows you get nervous around her.” 

 

“I do not!” 

 

Even grinned. “You do. It’s okay, I love you anyway.” 

 

Isak blushed, leaning up to press a kiss to his lips. “I love you too.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we have it! hope ya'll like it & if you wanna chat about it hmu on
> 
> twitter: sungaymournin  
> orrrr  
> tumblr: sundaymournin

**Author's Note:**

> heyyyy i felt like doing a short, angsty thing. it'll just be a two-parter! it got more dramatic than intended but it's cool. hope you guys have fun with it! x zee
> 
> twitter: sungaymournin  
> tumblr: sundaymournin


End file.
